Men train for the front line: Fatherhood

Four men sit in a circle in a generic-looking room at Salem Hospital.

On this recent Monday evening, their sweaty foreheads and silence make them seem nervous, which makes sense, given that their lives are about to change drastically.

Over the next few weeks, some of these men will become fathers for the first time. One of them has been in that role for less than a week.

They're spending 2¹/₂ hours of their night at Boot Camp for New Dads, a workshop geared solely to fathers.

Parenthood is like the Army, said a former participant, Terry Finch, who took the class in 2002. When you join the military, you're thrown into the deep end. Boot camp helps prepare soldiers for what they'll come up against. Finch said the parenting boot camp does the same.

There were no feats of strength or military-like strategy planning at the June 15 class. Instead, the facilitator led the men through an informal discussion of what they'd face in the next months. They were encouraged to ask questions and share experiences. Judgment about the "right" way to parent was never passed.

When they were first given baby dolls to hold, most of the men held them like they were strange, foreign objects. But by the end, they were cradling them naturally, and their nerves had been eased.

Parents want to be the best parents they can be, but raising children isn't intuitive or easy.

Historically, parents have learned how to take care of their children by modeling how their parents raised them and asking for their advice, said Denise Rennekamp, parenting education coordinator at Oregon State University.

But in today's world, families are more spread out geographically, gender roles within families are evolving, and research has revealed an enormous amount about brain development in the past decade.

What worked in the past won't necessarily work today, and what parents thought they knew might even be wrong.

Parenting education courses can step in and help new parents learn what to expect and how to apply best practices.

Boot Camp for New Dads, the nation's largest program for new fathers, aims to reach men who will have their first child in a month or two. The workshop allows men to ask questions of veteran fathers, men who went through the class and how have a newborn, and practice holding and swaddling squirming babies.

Many men come into the class terrified and not knowing what to expect. When they return as veterans, they're happy, despite the sleep deprivation, said Bruce Sheppard, who brought the program to Oregon in 2002.

"It's not a cure-all," Sheppard said. "But it's enough of a shift in thinking from I'll be a dad to see how others do it and they can, too."

More than 400 fathers have gone through the class at Salem Hospital and another 300 through Silverton Hospital, Sheppard said.

During the most recent class, Larry Kramer, the facilitator, asked the group, "Can you imagine your dads sitting here in a class like this?"

Only one said he thought his father might have gone to a class if it were offered. The others had the impression that their fathers figured it out as they went along or weren't involved in the birth.

Since then, there's been a generational shift, Kramer said. The image of a soon-to-be father had been a frantic man pacing the floor of the hospital waiting room as he waited to hand out cigars. Now, they're in the delivery room, Kramer said.

"We're kind of equal partners in a way," he said. "Something shifted, and the expectation now is that we need to be a part of it."

All four men said it was their idea to come to the class, which Kramer said was rare. In the 10 years he's been teaching the course, most of the time it's been the mother's idea for the father to come, he told them.

"Dads are becoming more involved in their children's lives than they were 50 years ago or 30 years ago," Rennekamp said.

There's becoming more of an expectation within families that dads should be more hands-on in all aspects of parenthood, from changing diapers to nursing a sick child to reading bedtime stories, Rennekamp said.

In the past 20 years, parenting education has become more prevalent, but society is still learning the value of it, Rennekamp said. Birthing classes have become very popular since they came in vogue in the 1970s, she said.

The Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative is an initiative that aims to give all families the opportunity to take these classes. Rennekamp said that nearly 75 percent of participants in classes through the program are women.

There's been a stigma attached to parenting classes that says people who attend are bad parents, Rennekamp said.

"I think we're still evolving in that way," she said. "Parenting education is for all families. All families are looking for support at different times."

There's value in classes for both parenting partners and those only for fathers. Classes for both partners help participants practice communicating about parenting. In courses only for fathers, they may feel safer asking questions because they don't worry about being judged by their partner, Rennekamp said.

"Guys just talk a lot more when it's just guys," Sheppard said.

Although Sheppard has no children himself, he's taught boot camp and Fathers of Young Children classes for years. Sheppard has been an early childhood educator since 1974. He works as an early intervention/early childhood special education specialist with the Oregon Department of Education, and he recently finished up his doctoral dissertation on the local boot camp program.

During Monday's class, the men talked about what they could do to prepare for the birth, what happens during the hospital visit, what do when they go home and what they could expect in the first few months.

Kramer asked the men about whether they had a birth plan and encouraged them to consider backup plans in case something didn't go as expected. Greg Bakanoff, of McMinnville, whose son was born in early June, was able to use his own experience to back up what Kramer said or to give a different perspective.

His wife "was steadfast about having it naturally," he said. "She had an epidural. ... Everything went much smoother after that."

Mike Reiley, of Salem, asked Kramer if he had experienced mood swings. Kramer said he had.

That nagging feeling you're forgetting something is part of fatherhood, as well, he said. You'll wonder if you're too busy, if you're doing things properly. Talk with your partner about it, he said.

Bakanoff said his wife told him he was doing everything right, but he had worried about things like being too rough and breaking his son's legs while changing a diaper. He wanted to hear from someone who wouldn't tell him what he wanted to hear. When told he was holding a baby doll perfectly, he quietly said, "Yes. I'm doing something right."

"The fears are natural. Give yourself a break," Kramer said.

Kramer weaved the informal discussion among facts the dads might not know, relationship advice and safety concerns.

He told them colic is when babies cry uncontrollably without being able to be soothed. It used to be considered a gastrointestinal issue, but research now shows that it's mostly likely a developmental stage. It starts the same time each day and can start occurring between 6 weeks to 2 months, he said.

It's stressful, and there will be times when it becomes overwhelming, he said. That's one reason he talks about shaken baby syndrome, which is when a baby is seriously injured or dies from being shaken, Kramer said.

Kramer demonstrated a shake to show how little force it takes to cause injury. Imagine a grapefruit or orange on a toothpick, he said; that's how much muscle control a baby has in its neck. When you get to that point of frustration, put the baby down, he said, or give the infant to someone else, walk away and count to 10.

The class makes fathers more prepared and comfortable, said three fathers who took different classes.

"I was less nervous," said Mike Petrone, who took the class in 2007. "I was less scared to hold a newborn."

His overcoming that anxiety helped his wife become less stressed. She was able to leave their son alone with him while she took much-needed naps, he said.

Finch, who took the class in 2002, said he continues to use what he learned from the course as he raises his son, Tadee Hatfield-Finch. He remembers Sheppard saying that when babies cried, the dads needed to take a step back, listen to the child and pay attention to what emotions were coming out.

Now that his son is 12, Finch uses that same process to figure out what's really upsetting him. Finch said he uses body language, tone and what happened earlier in the day rather than just acting based off of what his son is saying.

"It taught me to step back, look at the big picture, rather than at what's happening and that moment," he said.

The most important lesson Sheppard said dads need to learn is just how important they are to their kids.

"If we've got them understanding that, the rest can follow," he said.

khessel@statesmanjournal.com, 503-399-6743 or follow on Twitter @KaellenHessel

Take a Boot Camp for New Dads class

Salem Hospital

Boot Camp for New Dads is offered from 6:30 to 9 p.m. on the third Monday of every other month. The next class dates are Aug. 17, Oct. 19 and Dec. 21.

The cost is $10, but scholarships are available. Learn more at salemhealth.org/chec or by calling 503-814-2432.

Classes take place at the hospital's Community Health Education Center, 939 Oak St. SE.

Silverton Hospital

Silverton Together sponsors quarterly boot camp classes at the Silverton Hospital Family Birth Center, 342 Fairview St. The next class is from 6:30 to 8:30 or 9 p.m. Aug. 19.

Mothers are invited to get a massage from a volunteer massage therapist while fathers attend the class.

To learn more, call 503-873-0405.

Polk County

The program is expanding into Polk County with a class for Spanish speakers. The next class date has yet to be determined. For more information, call Salem Hospital's Community Health Education Center at 503-814-2432.

Other parenting classes

Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative

To learn more about the parenting education available, go to polk.parentedtogether.org for classes in Polk County or oregonearlylearning.com for courses in Marion County.

Salem Hospital

The hospital offers a Fathers of Young Children course that focuses on child development, parenting styles, parenting alone and with a partner, and choosing child care.

The four-week series runs from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Mondays. The next course runs from Sept. 21 to Oct. 12.

The cost is $25, but scholarships are available. Learn more at salemhealth.org/chec or by calling 503-814-2432.

Classes take place at the hospital's Community Health Education Center, 939 Oak St. SE.